Archive for category: Dating a Narcissist

I feel like my husband is a narcissist, but can’t be sure. He obsesses over the college where he graduated and everything that he associates with. He displays everything related to his college’s name so he can visibly see the name when he passes by it. He speaks to himself (pretends to be an announcer at one of his college’s games), he speaks in third person always (“Daddy loves you”, “You need to love your husband”, etc.), can’t apologize (if when that miracle happens, it is only spoken as, “My bad”. He has to be forced to apologize and does so in a rage. He has a spoiled brat attitude, deserving and entitled.) He displays overwhelming pride for his relatives, his childhood, friends, etc., as long as that pride is a direct association to who “he thinks” he is. He is right, never wrong and will pass blame or avoid anything that denys him that glory (which happens to be me!). He once said that the reason all my boyfriends broke up with me was because they weren’t going to put up with me. He wasn’t even around at the time I dated the other guys, how would he know this? Furthermore, I broke up with the majority of the guys I dated and had never even discussed this with him. Narcissistic telepathy, I guess!

Am I off the mark or does he seem to be narcissistic? I’m at a loss here.

Thank you.

– Unknown

 

Min Min says:
May 11, 2011 at 5:42 pm
Actually no one would change himself / herself without an attack to make him / her realize it. Would you change yourself?

I’m sorry I have to say in your case he won’t change since you won’t leave him, then he won’t lose you, so he has no reason to change.

If you leave him and he changed then you would go back to him again and the narcissism could come back again.

If you leave him forever then his changing or not has nothing to do with you any more.

To expect someone else to change is never a solution. You can change yourself or just leave him in order to keep yourself happy. His changing or not is irrelevant.

gingergrl88 says:
May 11, 2011 at 5:28 pm
My husband is exactly the same way and I know he is a narcissist. He fits all of those attributes and then some. Its so hard to be with someone who is always right and is too busy being in love with themself to notice you or your wants or needs, yet constantly expects you to bend over backwards to their every wish. I havent figured out what to do myself. I left him once and we were seperated for a year, then he did the charm thing again and I ended up back with him. I love him more than anything but I cant take constantly being hurt, and I’m afraid because my decision will also affect our son. Can you ever truly cure a narcissist? And how would you know since they are so good at acting?

Anonymous says:
June 18, 2009 at 10:59 am
My responses to several of the traits are based on a marriage to a Narcissist for 15 years.

1. Many famous people are narcissists, but not all narcissists succeed. Some narcissists just want to be successful in their parent’s eyes. Some narcissists are just trying to fill the expectations of others.

2. Everyone wants something from other people, however healthy people want something is usually benign. Narcissists have interest in others ONLY when they have something to gain from the other person. And what they want is strictly for their own edificaion.

4. Everyone does to varying degrees. A narcissist may need to work for the right company or have the most important job.

5. Similar to my comment to #2. Narcissists take advantage of others and uses them selfishly. A narcissist will usually only help someone else if the narcissist will gain from that exchange (eg the approval of a potential mate, the approval of their manager, or parent). Most others will help out of compassion, not expecting anything in return.

6. Again, narcissists will do something for others including family, friends, or work group if they will selfishly gain from the act. They will especially do something when that good deed is being observed. It will help them score points.

7. Narcissists treat others as though the rules (of society, or of a group) do not apply to them. Eg: not obeying company rules because doing so would take too much time or be inconvenient, staying faithful to their spouse, “little people pay tazes”, “people at my level (VP) don’t have to sign into the company activity center because we are too important”.

8. if one doesn’t comply, some experience the silent treatment or some other form of punishment. Narcissists keeps others in their company to serve their needs: run errands, pick up take out dinners. If these people dont comply consistenly and they dont serve any other purpose in their life, they will be punished or told to leave.

9. Narcissists are the experts, don’t forget!

12. Narcissists feed off of being correct and having all the answers. They want others to think they are experts and can do no wrong. If you disagree you will most likely regret your comments. Not all narcissists spiral into depression. Some just retreat further into their fantasy land.

16. Many narcissists are VERY charming people – beware of these people. Think Jim Jones and The People’s Temple, many politicans too and unfortunately even pastors in legitimate religions.

Anonymous says:
October 19, 2009 at 7:52 am
I feel like my husband is a narcissist, but can’t be sure. He obsesses over the college where he graduated and everything that he associates with. He displays everything related to his college’s name so he can visibly see the name when he passes by it. He speaks to himself (pretends to be an announcer at one of his college’s games), he speaks in third person always (“Daddy loves you”, “You need to love your husband”, etc.), can’t apologize (if when that miracle happens, it is only spoken as, “My bad”. He has to be forced to apologize and does so in a rage. He has a spoiled brat attitude, deserving and entitled. He displays overwhelming pride for his relatives, his childhood, friends, etc., as long as that pride is a direct association to who “he thinks” he is. He is right, never wrong and will pass blame or avoid anything that denys him that glory (which happens to be me!). He once said that the reason all my boyfriends broke up with me was because they weren’t going to put up with me. He wasn’t even around at the time I dated the other guys, how would he know this? Furthermore, I broke up with the majority of the guys I dated and had never even discussed this with him. Narcissistic telephathy, I guess!

Am I off the mark or does he seem to be narcissistic? I’m at a loss here.

Thank you.

We all make mistakes, don’t we? But with a narcissist (I will try to use more “a narcissist” instead of “narcissists”, because obviously “one” is way enough), you should never make a mistake. It sounds good in some way in that, with such a narcissist, you will be or at least close to the perfect person, however, as a narcissist, he/she will never admit to any mistakes.

 

It’s not that narcissists don’t make mistakes; on the contrary, they make the same number of mistakes as anyone else, or even worse, when they deny their mistake and insist they are correct, they may end up with the wrong decisions.

Whenever there is a mistake, the narcissist will blame you, but never accept blame himself / herself, even if the fault is obviously his / hers.

How will you deal with this? I suggest that you never argue with a narcissist over who is wrong if you do want to be with him / her, since you will never win and the arguing never helps solve problems. It really doesn’t matter who admits to being wrong, because in the narcissist’s heart, he / she senses who is wrong (he / she is super smart don’t forget). You should be the most broadminded to contain a narcissist if you do want to stay with him / her. Sometimes it’s real tough, in that, he / she will keep blaming you till he / she is exhausted; it’s better for you to take it as if he / she was actually blaming himself / herself if this helps.

Anyway, it’s your decision whether to keep a love relationship with a narcissist or not. The above is just my humble suggestion; to most people it would be mental torture to act on this suggestion.

shoop says:
January 12, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Great advice… EVER argue with a narcissist. You can’t get them to be reasonable, fair, kind, decent, or loving (much less force them to tell the truth or take any responsibility for their actions or bad behavior.) As someone who grew up surrounded by highly educated, over achieving N’s (mother, father, older sister) I know firsthand that the only thing that results from arguing with an N is that you will get very hurt, very confused, rather frustrated and angry, and feel completely crazy yourself. (Which to them is a win over you). You are playing a game (and it is a game!) that they invented for themselves to win… and they WILL win, have no doubt. Facts don’t matter to them… truth doesn’t matter to them…YOU don’t matter to them (beyond what strokes their ego or serves their own selfish interests…)
The whole gist of being an N seems to be that nothing matters more to them than thier own self image. And those self images have nothing to do with any actual reality… Arguing with them is never going to alter that, no matter how much you want to believe that there is a good person “somewhere in there DEEP DEEP down”. Save yourself a trip to the rubber room…
Thanks for the post!

Prem says:
September 24, 2013 at 1:42 pm
Living with the narcissist is like digging your own grave. Slow death would fit perfectly too, even death is like a small word, the pain which own need to go through is worst like dying 100 times or more over living life in a cell called hell. Egocentric people are pretty dangerous species around, the soon you will get rid of them the better life you could live ahead. But I know it’s easy to say and how painful is to actually experience this pain and how difficult is to get out of this. We have got one life, why to survive life in a living hell. It’s better to get out of this and make your life bright enough to set an example to other people who are undergoing same trauma and pain.